today there’s more despair, it’s stupid. last night i forced myself to eat soup. i said eat soup eat eat soup you must eat it. N came over to look at STI test results together, [how romantic] and they took the opportunity of my state- vulnerable messy hair puffy eyes pajamas pussing hands – to pull me into processing and insist they wanted to end things before I did, even though before I ended it, I had already ended it. I see their insecurity, their fear, their grappling for power in every situation, their entitlement. No, just kidding, I didn’t see that, not then. Then I was crying from test results, I was fumbling with the bandages on my palms, I was crying and telling them I had loved them and I tried my best. I just gave it all to them for no reason. I lost the game. Forfeit.
But now I see their moves. Ah,,,,, hindsight. I was beaten, no forfeit. Nothing so peaceful.
But now, today, I am at the mercy of my chemical imbalance. i could have the brightest day, the greatest love, the hottest body, the glowiest skin, the buy 1 get one free pint of blueberries- no matter- all there is is just darkness. it’s my brain, it’s chemical, i have no control. i repeat my affirmations. I run my finger down my list of steps to stay safe (that i remember, the list was on fire of course) i’m drowning I can’t see out. i have no need for food. i buy a protein drink so i don’t pass out. i choose xanax. over and over every time. instead.
I admit I like the way my cat pushes his face into the tiny opening on the floor of the porch. but I don’t like it the way I should like it. i don’t like it the way i would if it was lb.
There is grief, always ready for me. It’s all gone, all I have is me and I’m a dumb little fool, scrambling inside my inside self. where is she? what does she enjoy?
I biked slow down bienville to syc. when i arrived I took my glasses off to cry on the stairs to my friend K. it feels safe to be blind and also it keeps the salt off my glasses.
i just want to be sedated all the time. i don’t want to do the things on the checklist. i don’t want to. i was so proud of making the checklist and now it just looks like a list of things i never want to do. a list of things to avoid.
but i know i must keep showing up. please keep showing up. it wasn’t always like this and you’ll get better soon. you will. you have to believe it.